Petraeus is Pimp of the Year

The Gantt Report

Former military General and U.S. spy chief David Petraeus is The Gantt Report’s selection for “Pimp of the Year”!

When it was revealed that Petraeus was involved in an illicit affair it didn’t surprise me one bit. It didn’t surprise me because most of the people I know that claim to be couples oftentimes stray away from their marriages and relationships.

No one is perfect, but Petraeus seems to have made some perfect pimp moves.

General Petraeus cheated on his house cat and made a conscious decision to seek the companionship of wild cats and alley cats!

Petraeus is the “Pimp of the Year” because all of the animals in his sex zoo were married. The snake was married, the cats were married and the sex snitches were married!

This is not the first time a soldier has been damaged by his quest to chase the cat.

Perhaps the best military man of all time was the Biblical Samson. Samson was given exceptional strength by God to conquer his enemies and to perform heroic feats such as wrestling a lion and slaying 3000 enemy soldiers with only the jaw bone of an ass.

One day Samson, probably like Petraeus, went to a whore’s house where he soon feel in love with a lying alley cat named Delilah.

Delilah was approached by the lords of the enemy Philistines, to discover the secret of Samson’s strength, “and we will give thee, every one of us, eleven hundred pieces of silver.” Three times she asked Samson for the secret of his strength, and all three times he gave her a false answer. The first time, he told her, “If they bind me with seven green withes that were never dried, then shall I be weak, and be as another man.” Then he told her, “If they bind me fast with new ropes that never were occupied, then shall I be weak, and be as another man.” The third time, he told her, “If thou weavest the seven locks of my head with the web….”

On the fourth occasion, he gave her the true reason: that he did not cut his hair in fulfillment of a vow to God; and Delilah, when Samson was asleep on her knees, called up her man to shave off the seven locks from his head, then betrayed him to his enemies: “The Philistines took him, and put out his eyes, and brought him down to Gaza, the home of modern-day Hamas and the Palestinians.”

Like most whores, Delilah took her money and went away while Samson was forced to work. Each time Samson went on the grind, so to speak, his hair began to grown longer and longer until one day he got his strength back and destroyed the temple by pushing down the columns that supported it.

God helped Samson and if Petraeus is truly a good man, God will help him too.

But right now, Petraeus is “Pimp of the Year.” The General didn’t have to house his cats, he didn’t have to feed them and shelter them. All Petraeus had to do was hit that cat tail and then send them back to their spouses!

Yes, the General can orchestrate a variety of battles and confrontations. General Petraeus can also prompt and provoke a digital cat fight with two married women.

Popcorn pimps, parking lot pimps and other pimps can learn a lot from General David Petraeus, a military pimp!