Julie Gaskins is a first time local author and Florida resident who recently published her amazing and sometimes heart-wrenching life story in her new memoir, Worthy: Drinking Hope from a Well of Despair. Reading and writing from a very early age, Gaskins discusses in a recent interview with West Orlando News Online, her “Soap Opera” life story–from her early childhood suicidal memories, the abuse that she experienced while growing up, her “strange” relationship with her mother, to a diagnosis with MS and more–all captured in her new book. See full interview below.
WONO: Your biography states that, from a young age you were drawn to reading and writing. At what age did you actually start writing and what pulled you in that direction?
Julie Gaskins: I was writing actually, in first grade and was reading before I started school. Basically, my whole family were readers. My mother and father both read constantly. But, a lot of mine came from a feeling of isolation from other people, so I just escaped into books. I was reading adult books by the time I was seven or eight. It was just something I always did.
WONO: What authors did you read?
Julie Gaskins: I remember reading Conrad Richter when I was eight-years-old and many others. It’s been awhile back!
WONO: What childhood memories do you believe influenced what you wrote?
Julie Gaskins: The first actual memory I have is of writing in a closet and being suicidal. For a long time I just thought there was something wrong with me. I didn’t really understand it until I actually started exploring my reasons for feeling that way, at that time, because no child should be suicidal at the age of six. Even among my own family–one of my brothers is at odds with me over this because, he believes that what I say isn’t true. Yet, my sisters validate everything that I say, as well as, an aunt who lived with us when I was a child who often knows what it was like.
WONO: And did you eventually unearth the reasons for those feeling?
Julie Gaskins: I think that I always knew the reasons, but just wasn’t accepting of them at the time. Mostly, my mother and I had a very strange relationship all my life. She blamed me for her being trapped in a marriage she didn’t want to be in and then she got pregnant again with me. She had seven children in nine years.
WONO: Where do you fall in the order?
Julie Gaskins: I was the fourth child.
WONO: Before your memoirs you published a compilation of stories dedicated to pets and owners entitled, Crossing the Rainbow. What inspired that publication?
Julie Gaskins: I have always worked with animals. I have always absolutely loved animals and knew someone on an online, networking site that was trying to put a compilation together and asking for contributors. So, I pitched in with lots of stories, not yet put into words. I’ve had a lot of experiences and a couple of them actually fit in with the theme.
WONO: You published your memoirs Worthy: Drinking Hope From a Well of Despair on September 7th. Why now and what inspired you to do so at this time?
Julie Gaskins: I really don’t know how to answer that specifically. My closest brother and I talked about doing an autobiographical book together, sharing our childhood memories, because he had his own share of them. He committed suicide in 1998 and at that time, I sort of put it out of my mind thinking that could never be done. I really didn’t want to do it on my own. But, about three years ago I was involved in an online conversation with someone who was of the opinion that I had a strong opinion on abuse, but I had no way to rebut what he was talking about without telling the truth about me. So, I decided I was going to respond in kind by just writing an essay and publishing it on Gather, the networking site that I was on. I started writing and to be honest, I just couldn’t stop. So, I published one chapter and I said I guess there will be a part two and then there were 49. It just all came about slowly and as I was writing one chapter at a time, I had acquired a sizable group of people who were reading my work, saying I should get it published, and that it was a really important story.
WONO: What was the experience like telling your story? And how did you decide on the title, Worthy: Drinking Hope From a Well of Despair?
Julie Gaskins: Well it’s something that people ask me all the time. They are always amazed at my ability to take the pain and hurt that I have been through and make something good out of it. I have people asking me, “How are you able to do that?” I am told that many people would have just given in, because I have dealt with so much in my life that it kind of feels like a Soap Opera, when I start telling my story. That was one of the problems I felt that, if I just sat down and told you the facts of my life it would sound very unbelievable, actually. But when you read the book, you know where it actually came from and then it makes sense. There were a lot of self-destructive decisions, but even when I got past that point, I ended up still making mistakes, but not of the same variety.
Regarding the title, when I first started posting the installments, I was calling it Worthless, because that is how I felt as a child. I felt worthless and that word was very strong in my mind at that time. Somehow along the way, after I decided that I was going to put it in book form, I said, “I just don’t like that name.” It’s too negative. There are a lot of people who write memoirs about abuse and I didn’t want it to be that way. I want it to be enlightening and with a name like Worthless, I really didn’t think that it was possible.
Honestly, when I submitted it, the publisher asked me to fill out the questionnaire. They asked if there was a subtitle. I said there was actually one I had used on just a little short piece that I had written sometime before, unrelated to the story, but I thought it worked. A lot of people say they just don’t understand how I got through it. I had a therapist at one point who told me that it wasn’t at all surprising that I made the choices that I did as an adult, given my childhood. She said the amazing thing is that I got out of it. I guess, I always felt that I needed to do something positive, something purposeful with my experience.
WONO: Why was the word “worthless” so dominant, as a child?
Julie Gaskins: My mother who should have been the person who loved me most in my life called me ugly and told me I never did anything good in her eyes. I always thought that I had no value. I always thought that if I just disappeared, no one would even notice. My mother told me she didn’t want me. When I was eleven she told me that she had never wanted me. I understood that, I always knew that but I never expected her to say it.
WONO: On your website you wrote “I wanted to be a writer, not just as a pass time, but as a purpose. Not just something I do, but something I am.” What do you mean?
Julie Gaskins: Well, for a long time I saw myself as a veterinarian technician who did some writing on the side, and it was always just a pass time. But, I think a few years ago, when I started actually writing right from the heart for no specific purpose, I realized that that was what I was meant to be and that I could have other pass times, but that is what I did. I am always trying to perfect the words in my mind. I’ve always done that all my life. Before I speak I have to make sure that everything is absolutely perfect. So this isn’t the easiest thing for me.
WONO: What’s next, what are you working on now?
Julie Gaskins: I am working on a second book, which would be a follow-up to Worthy and it’s called Rise.
WONO: What is the time-line on that?
Julie Gaskins: The first one Worthy, ended with getting my son back into my life; taking on mothering is a full time thing. My memoirs made me feeling like I had accomplished something for the first time in my life and that I am up to the challenge. The second one just goes on from there because, the story didn’t end there. I was married to an alcoholic and it was one thing after another, in addition to my brother’s suicide. I also was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS) a few years back. I feel there is a reason for everything; I believe that. I was devastated when I learned the diagnosis. Now when I look back on it, I think that I wouldn’t have been able to write the book if I hadn’t been diagnosed.
WONO: Over what time period did you write Worthy?
Julie Gaskins: It is hard to say, because really, I wrote a good share of the next book along with it and it took about nine months, and for another year I was rewriting. At that point I decided to split my work into two books, because it was just too much material.
WONO: Thank you, Julie. Your story is very fascinating and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Julie Gaskins: Thank you, too.
By: West Orlando News Online.
