“Illegal Entry”

The year was 1992 when I made the fateful decision to live!

Came to terms with my shame. Came to terms with the blame.

Finally, could purge the freaking maggots that had devoured my peace, snuffed my tranquility, and corroded my sense of self-worth since I was an itsy, bitsy girl. Finally, could purge the freaking cancer that had metastasized within my mind.

Like a manumitted slave sojourning into Canaan———–I smelled freedom!

It was so long overdue!

Similarly to the pachyderm skin of an elephant, over the years, my burdens had hardened and my wretched heart had been impaled with unspeakable guilt. But, like the Resurrection of Jesus, in 1992, my spirits and self-confidence began rising once again.

Hallelujah!

Suffering sexual abuse from the hands of my vile paternal uncle, turned lying preacher, and from the hands of my wicked, sleazy step-father had traumatized me. Never imagined that the re-runs of their filthy degradations would ever find another resting place. Never thought that the scars could someday disappear.

Discovered and gained a “break through” and the inner-strength to overcome my victimization after attending an empowerment workshop.

Learned that I was merely a vulnerable, innocent, and helpless child much too young, too paralyzed, too intimidated, too frightened, too insecure, too confused, and too unaware to mentally process that these two perverts were the guilty parties——-not me! Morally, they were wrong——-not me! And, it was their fault——-not mine!

Whoo-hoo!

Show me a five-year old child, and then later, a nine-year old child who has the street smarts, wherewithal, or one who is intellectually sophisticated and emotionally well-equipped to verbalize about such lewd and lascivious behaviors and heinous acts that were being forced upon them by sexual predators.

So, I just remained quiet and cowered!

Sadly, the only person in the whole-wide world that I felt comfortably in confiding to was gone. Dad’s sudden departure from a disintegrated marriage gave instant entrée for the next door neighbor to feast, non-stop, upon me, my sisters, and cousins. Then, once he became our step-father, the “feeding frenzy spigot” poured. Instantly, knew we would never have a “snow ball chance in hell” in winning the freaking battle, much less, the freaking war.

Insult to injury, like the Prophet Daniel, years earlier I was frequently being fed to my lion. Dad had misinterpreted my uncle’s devotion to me never once suspecting that I was his brother’s “booty call.”

So I just remained silent and cowered!

What was my hesitation in seeking the comfort, the solace, the protection, and the refuge from my mom’s bosom?

Mama Dearest despised me because I was daddy’s bright-eyed little girl!

Mama Dearest despised me because I “worshiped” my paternal grandmother.

Mama Dearest despised me because, prior to our departure from Oklahoma, I had caught her in the middle of one of her dalliances while she was still married to my dad.

Mama Dearest despised me because, again, I caught her in a “compromising position” with the “next door neighbor” while she was, simultaneously, trying to entice my dad to return to the family’s nest. Soon afterwards, she married this pedophile!

Mama Dearest despised me because I rebelliously refused to accept her claims that I was the “daughter” of her high school heart throb and not the biological child of my dad.

Mama Dearest despised me because I resented the procession of men that were paraded into our lives.

Mama Dearest despised me because I was “sick and tired” of her insatiable appetite for “falling in love” and marrying innumerable times. Hey lady, think ten is enough?

Mama Dearest despised me because I would resist her “psychological mind games” and I refused to succumb to her fake emotional break downs, torturous tricks, and tirades.

Mama Dearest despised me because she had found my diary and read concrete evidence detailing my sexual abuse. Later, she faulted me for the dissolution of her marriage and gave full immunity to the predator! Go figure.

So, you see, Mama Dearest pureed my ass and damaged my morale each day. Had to live my shattered and toxic life with a “dragon lady” who ruled her roost with veil threats, divide and conquer schemes, deceit, devious manipulations, harassments, and profanity-laden smack-downs. Heck, a venomous snake gives its victims much more mercy than I had ever received!

So I just remained petrified and cowered!

After my exorcism, felt empowered, courageous, and confident enough to discuss with my dad details regarding his brother’s sexual exploitations and “illegal entries.” Confronted, like a “nervous hooker” in a church, this spawn of Satan, lied and denied. However, unlike “mama dearest,” without an ounce of hesitation, my dad believed and faithfully supported me!

Sweet!

Thanks, dad, for your unwavering confidence, trust, and love. Whew, felt good to have been vindicated and to have received your ringing endorsement and your fatherly embrace!

However, before I had an opportunity to confront my step-father, I learned that he had died years earlier. Too bad that I didn’t have an opportunity to leave my “spike heels” in his crack!

In hindsight, thousands upon thousands upon thousands of innocent and vulnerable children are quietly suffering from “illegal entries” coming from their relatives and non-relatives each and every day. Demonic people like my uncle, my step-father, or even Sandusky are “wolves in sheep’s clothing” and are experts in cleverly preying upon the most vulnerable among us. Unfortunately, these are not isolated cases. I am sorry to report that experience has taught me that this is just a tip of the “sexual abuse iceberg!”

As a sexual abuse survivor, I am often asked to opine about this malady. Space does not allow me to give my full expository, but I have provided several helpful hints for your consideration and implementation. In order to protect your child or children, I would strongly recommend the following preventative measures:

1.Education is the best defense so be sure to teach children the warning signs regarding sexual abuse.

2.Silence enables sexual abuse to continue and protects sex offenders. Be sure to contact the proper authorities immediately when you suspect abuse. Trust your gut instinct.

3.Erase the shame and place the blame on the predators and not the child!

4.Remove your “blind spots.” Remain super cautious when inviting folks into your home or when having your child visiting someone else’s home.

5.Parents and caretakers should assertively and aggressively keep their antennas up when there is any interaction between a child and someone else regardless of the person’s title, rank, and/or relationship. For instance, when my daughter is around, no one, and I mean no one, is exempt from my roving and hawkish eyes or my inquiring mind!

In closing, I oft times wish that I could “wave a wand” so that the Andreas of the world could avoid “illegal entries” but that’s not feasible, practical, or realistic. However, by me breaking my silence and giving voice to this horrendous topic, hopefully, my legacy will be that you, my adorable daughter, and your sweet child/children will become the beneficiaries of my hurt, my pain, my scorn, and my shame.

Like Jesus, I paid the price!