Two shots of whisky, check. Did I take my anti-anxiety medication? No, I forgot. Well then I guess I can’t write a scathing article about my family this week. Not that I’ve ever wrote a scathing article about them before, but some seem to feel like I have.
When last we met: I was discussing the dichotomy of the American family and how we see our own faults in them, thus we project our inner turmoil outwards and wind up fighting over something stupid. What we’re really trying to say is “I hate myself and you look just like me.” It was a generalization using my own experiences as an example, yet some people felt it was more personal. Therefore a bunch of family members are now mad at me because of an article I wrote about how we hate family most of all. Ugh, the irony.
I think what strikes me most curious about this is: who reads the crap I write anyway? Well, there’s Keith and Gillian (Thanks for everything you two) and then my wife and father in-law. Can’t forget Amanda who is, I guess officially my first fan, as long as one day I can introduce her to Drew Brees. Then apparently my grandmother reads my articles after they’ve been circulated around my family long enough and everyone has told her what a dick I am. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m a dick already, no one has to remind me.
My mother thought what I wrote was great. She actually understood the point I was trying to make as far as general roles family members play in each other’s life. She understood I was not calling her out, but making a point. Do you think Ray Romano gets crap from his family after his show was on for years making light of his mother and father’s tawdry quirks? Believe me, if my family had any more tawdry quirks we could open up a tawdry quirks shop (ten points if you get that reference). Ray Romano is a multi-millionaire who probably bought his mother a big house and a Bentley.
So, there it is I guess. I have to make it big, buy my grandmother a house and a Bentley and I’ll buy my uncles, Jeff and Joe, one because I used their names. But, the rest of them whom I didn’t name (or even mention at all) I’m buying Hyundai Sonatas, I’m not Ray Romano here.
Lastly, I would just like to state for the record and I’m not scared to say this again, just to make it clear: families are freaking crazy! They are judgmental and aggravating most of the time and make you have to explain what the hell you meant, even though you thought it was clear and inoffensive. In the words of Marshall Mathers: “You find me offensive? I find you offensive for finding me offensive.” There! Break your way out of that logic and twist it until I do offend you. I think you’ve got your work cut out for you.
