This is a call to all who watch television. There is a disease of epic proportions running rampant across all channels. It invades our brains to penetrating, almost violent depths. I’m talking about people that make their own commercials.
The worst of these villains is the guy from Appliance Direct. A demon chasing me couldn’t make me move as fast as I do when I go for the mute button to shut this guy up. Still, there he is on my screen making me want to wretch more than drinking an ipecac/jagermeister cocktail.
The guy’s name is Sam Pak and he is the CEO of Appliance Direct. He is also the owner of a voice that can make streams run against gravity. This man’s advertisements are among the most annoying in the free world. He doesn’t stop there however, he adds a very annoying woman, Lee (no comments on the fact we have the same name…I already am aware I am annoying…the truth hurts and I tell it), who is almost as annoying as he, but needs just a little practice and an Asian voice.
Stop it Sam. Hire a professional. Your antics are not appreciated. I won’t buy from you simply because of your adverts. The simple fact is you invade my living room like the smell of a garbage dump. Thank God for the mute button.
Following closely behind Sam, and I mean very closely, is Mr. Morgan. Johnny boy claims to be “For the People”. The obvious statement for anyone of intelligence is Johnny is for his wallet, which is considerable. Oh, I’m sure he has helped many people make a lot of money through his lawsuits, but it wasn’t because he wanted to help them, it is the money he is making. The major ambulance chaser is also clogging up the courts.
There is no doubt he is talented, hard working, and intelligent. This is however not about his abilities as an attorney; this is about his abilities as an actor. These two things are inversely proportional.
Let me tell you a little bit about Morgan.
John boy, on December 10, 1997 had a run in with the law himself when he was pulled over on S.R. 436. The police report stated Morgan pulled out of a Denny’s parking lot and swerved across lanes without signaling and missed the stop bar by five feet. The signal went green and Morgan showed an inability to drive by almost clipping the curb and feeling the need of the space of three lanes to make a curve. At Brewer Street, good ol’ Johnny got pulled over when the Casselberry police couldn’t take it any longer and felt Johnny had been misbehaving, which was apparently proven when he failed a field sobriety test.
Interestingly, this was not his first time being pulled over for DUI.
Morgan wasn’t using his compassionate “For the People” voice at the Seminole County jail. He was in a very profane mood and called an officer a “fat f*%k@r, and baldy. His anger continued to grow and head butted the officer twice and smacked him with a left.
This kinda brought out the bad side of the officers, as you might imagine, and whereas Johnny could have maybe negotiated a little bit of empathy, he was charged with a DUI, failure to provide insurance, two minor traffic offenses, and last, but certainly not least, battery of a police officer. This is the man that is “For the People”. Apparently, law enforcement officers aren’t people.
Could it have been the alcohol level of 0.134? That will sometimes confuse people.
In 1993, Johnny paid a $500 fine and agreed to serve 100 hours of community service. That was it. As far as his battery accusation, oddly, I can’t find the outcome short of going to the Seminole County documents. You still get the gist however. Our “For the People” guy has some skeletons.
So that brings me to number three. Bob Dance Dodge. I am thankful I haven’t seen the little granddaughter lately, but the adverts are still annoying. Where everybody rides? At what cost?
Anyone that uses a child to promote themselves is disgusting. Some people think it’s cute, but I hate it. Putting them in acting careers or that sort of thing is completely different from using them as a tool for business. That’s exploitation in my eyes. It’s no different from a man using a puppy to get a date.
Not only is that a problem, but seeing any commercial a thousand times a day is disgusting. If you have the money in your advertising budget for that kind of exposure, why don’t you save the money and put it into good deals.
Next. David Maus. Learn how to say Toy-o-ta. It’s not pronounced tota. That goes for you to Mike Erdman of Merritt Island. E-nun-ci-ate.
Mikey over there has other problems as well. He thinks that calm voice will get him business. Of course, he doesn’t recognize the fact his voice makes fingernails on a chalk board sound like angel harps. But he is far from being as annoying as Qablawi in Cocoa, who also adds a child, his son, into the advert.
Qablawi’s pitch is “You Got It”. He comes across with enthusiasm and the class of a rabid wombat. The only thing missing is the foaming at the mouth. Oh yeah, he passed the wombat gene onto his son, and thus we have two incredibly irritating people willing to slut themselves out for car sales. The biggest part of this unfortunate scenario is one of them is a child.
This list could go on. All the insurance companies for example, especially Progressive, Farmers, and GEICO. The Ford commercial with the umbrella people. Anything from Toyota of Orlando. There are many others but the attorney commercials are the worst. Outside of John Morgan is the big headed (literally) Dan Newlin. He deserves special mention as well.
Dan Newlin sucks like the intake of a force five tornado. Get over yourself Dan. Stop doing those degrading commercials.
So what can we do to change things? I don’t know, but I think it should start with letting them know. Join S.T.O.P. The only dues for the organization are this. Contact the people that annoy you and let them know. Let them know this is not acceptable. Let them know how irritating they are. Let them know how much they suck and how useless and revolting these commercials are. Let them know we don’t want to see their faces or hear their voices.
Secondly post comments on West Orlando News Online. Make it widespread knowledge how you feel. Let’s get the ball rolling and change things.
Make television more palatable. In the immortal words of Rob Snyder, “You can do it!”
